"i'm a bee" EP

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Scroll to see the recordings and commentary below!

Merch ? !

Lyrics

do not doubt i love the sun

but it's hurting my skin

i just hope this fever don't

find it's way within

am i bad to want a friend

in this time alone

just to make my problems end

why am i selfish again

it's a mess

all the thoughts inside

please clean this

and just tell me how it feels

to be free

open up my heart to see

all the plans you've made

and then someday just maybe

i won't be too late

take temptation out my mind

put good in my bones

teach me to be humble, kind

i just want to know

it's a mess

all the thoughts inside

please clean this

and just tell me how it feels

(if you're seeking you will find it)

to be free

(no doors are closed, it's time to come home)

how it feels

(if you're seeking you will find Him)

to be free

(no doors are closed, it's time to come home)

Commentary

Walls

Lyrics

don't think that you can come around here

i've been building this wall for a year

you've been knocking on my window pane

i've been trying not to look insane

but i need to be alone right now

if you hurt me i will take you out

everyone is looking so upset

saying that my life is in a mess

but i built a wall to block it out

don't you ever try to tear it down

don't think that you can come around here

i've been building this wall for a year

remember when i let you be around

i would try so hard to talk out loud

you said you'd rather be alone right now

and how am i the one that's hard to figure out?

so i shut up even more inside

the way you look at me just makes me cry

try to understand but don't ask why

i will never want to go outside

i am safer when i'm in the dark

when i can't see all the scary parts

and i wonder how it feels to be free

but i think my safest friend is me

don't think that you can come around here

i've been building this wall for a year

Commentary

When I was writing walls, I felt like I was choosing who to be honest with, and who to guard myself against. This was Fall of 2019, when I was coming out to people. Friends, family, and the world. My whole life I didn’t know I was queer, but last year I fell in love with my best friend. It was the best and most beautiful time, but also the time when I had the most walls up. The song “Walls” came from a place of protection for myself, not to be mean to others, but to guard myself from harm or judgement. As a Christian, it was also a time of internal conflict, and wanting to protect the good and love in my life while healing from self-judgement. I’m in a much better place, now that I’m out to the world, and not hiding anything.

Commentary

I'm a Bee

Lyrics

take care of me, but fair warning

i take more than i give normally

make tea with honey, but i hope you see

i'm in a bubble

i'm not always loving

i am a bee

but i'll try not to sting

oh i am a bee, and

i'm not always loving

God is good, and He is kind

He reaches out, and messes with my mind

make me so sweet

like organic honey

and teach me how

to be more loving

i am a bee

but i'll try not to sting

oh i am a bee, and

i'm not always loving

Commentary

I wrote the lyrics to this song when I was buried under blankets with a fever that came out of nowhere. I was prompted by a friend, who was writing a short film in Spring 2019, to write some moody songs for the soundtrack, and I finally found inspiration. I was randomly ill and moody, so I wrote about being sick. Then the song morphed into my experiences of being a people pleaser. “i’m a bee” refers to my potential to hurt people, but my longing to be loving to people. In the past, whenever someone would be interested in me and I wasn’t into them, I would be so scared of letting them down. Silly, isn’t it? I wanted to stay friends with everyone, even though the truth inside me would hurt them. People shouldn’t have to be afraid of telling the truth, and people shouldn’t be afraid to hear it.

Okay

Okay

Lyrics

i just want to be real with you

if there's something that you can't get through

i'll try to be there 'til it goes away

you are not alone and you'll be okay

i just want to be there with you

give me a minute and i'll be there soon

i'll stick around 'til you're okay

you'll be better than yesterday

you are a wonderful soul

don't try to do this on your own

we make mistakes but God forgives

you're beautiful and you are worth it

you are a lonely treasure

i hope that soon you'll be better

we're broken, we're not perfect

but you are loved and you are worth it

i just want to be real with you

if there's something that you can't get through

i'll try to be there 'til it goes away

you are not alone and you'll be okay

Commentary

It’s strange, but I can’t remember exactly what prompted the lyrics for “okay.” My best guess is that I wrote the song “okay” at a time when I wanted to be... okay. In the commentary, I have a voice memo from when I sing the first melody of this in the car (in Sept. 2018), but instead, I sing “I just wanna be... be okay.” (I’m okay, I think I was just in a sad mood. Not sure). I think the song lyrics are also meant to be for others. One day in college, I noticed that my classmate and new friend had scars all over her wrist and arms. I wanted to be there for her, and to know that she’s not alone. I’ve always had a heart for people struggling with depression, although I’ve never personally struggled with it. I want you to know that you have a light inside of you, and no matter what you go through, you are not alone!

Commentary

Cave

Lyrics

i never wanna say this, can i

can i slip into a cave just for tonight

i don't wanna convey this, but i

can i just hide away, is that alright

you can still stay with me though

stick around late on the patio

go inside, turn off my phone and

tell the world leave us alone

i never wanna fake this but i

tend to slip into a cave that's in my mind

i've been trying to pray to be kind

but i didn't let out what was inside

can you be a good friend, can you be good

when i'm sittin on the floor and i don't know when

i'll go outside or turn off the lights

just stay with me, don't leave my side

i never wanna take too much time

thinkin bout how much i wanna stay inside

but it's easier when i can cry

all alone with you right by my side

i would love to order take-out

stay cuddled-up all on the couch

words trickling out of your mouth

while i'm wishing you would always be around

Commentary

I produced the first and almost final version of this songs in four hours in our garage. It was the fastest song I made for this album, and it was so much fun. I felt like I was in my own little world, in my cave. This song is about being in your own world, and being your unique self. Wherever you thrive, wherever you feel unique and special, wherever you find your passion – go hide away for a bit and create! But come back soon, we miss you. Haha. I also wrote this about wanting to hide away from the world and being a homebody with my favorite person. I love spending time at home with my honey, just watching TV and ignoring emails. I treasure our resting time, our dancing-in-the-kitchen time, and our cuddle time.

Commentary

How it Feels

How it Feels (acoustic)

Lyrics

do not doubt i love the sun

but it's hurting my skin

i just hope this fever don't

find it's way within

am i bad to want a friend

in this time alone

just to make my problems end

why am i selfish again

it's a mess

all the thoughts inside

please clean this

and just tell me how it feels

to be free

open up my heart to see

all the plans you've made

and then someday just maybe

i won't be too late

take temptation out my mind

put good in my bones

teach me to be humble, kind

i just want to know

it's a mess

all the thoughts inside

please clean this

and just tell me how it feels

(if you're seeking you will find it)

to be free

(no doors are closed, it's time to come home)

how it feels

(if you're seeking you will find Him)

to be free

(no doors are closed, it's time to come home)

Commentary

In the audio commentary, I show you the original version of this song that is a lot more slow, calm, and moody. It evolved a lot, but the message stayed the same. As a Christian, I used to think about morality a lot - is everything I’m doing right and good? What is true temptation, and how do I get rid of it? Am I being selfish? Am I not connecting with people and friends enough? Anyway, this song came from a place of wanting to be free. Free from feeling like I wasn’t doing enough, free from feeling like I needed to be more loving, free from putting up walls. I just wanted God to put good in my bones, to make me whole, and to give me direction. Now, I’m in a place of true freedom, where I don’t obsess over what I can’t control. All I can do is trust that God will guide me and love me as I am, and with that I should just do my best and feel enough, feel free.